Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
