the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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