Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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