I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
