Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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