yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Randomize
