Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
