i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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