so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
