i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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