i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
