Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
