party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
