I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
