This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize