my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
