she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i dont even know how to be here
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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