I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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