Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
