happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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