I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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