someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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