Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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