How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
