There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
