He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
