I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
