I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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