you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Randomize
