Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize