I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
