i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
