this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
