Betty ford says i'm here all night
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
