We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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