i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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