You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
