New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
