I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
