You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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