One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
