I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
