he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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