So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
