he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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