Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
