i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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