Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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