You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
