i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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