its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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