At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
