Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
