You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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