You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
