Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
