I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
