Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
