kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize