Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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