Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
