Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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