is your mom at the bar?
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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