I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize