This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
