god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
